In my Prime

I was going through my old albums the other day and found this picture of myself when I was about 19 or 20. It's my favorite picture of myself, but at the same time it makes me laugh to look back and think how much I've changed.

I was just talking to my friend Jenna about how I used to carry all my makeup around with me everywhere I went and checked my face about 19 times a day. My lipstick, cover up, powder and eyelash curler were absolutely essential to my happiness!

I brushed my teeth about 5 or 6 times a day. At 5' 10" I fit in a size 8 jeans and everywhere I went people told me I was "too skinny".

Much of my identity was being a "pretty girl", and I was used to being looked at by men, I expected it and looked at them back.

Boy, have things changed....

Soon after I got engaged, I remember walking through Walmart and having a tall dark handsome guy give me "the look". I started to give him "the look" back and then caught myself and I remember thinking, "I never have to play that game again! I'm never going to look at a strange guy like that again, as long as I live."

And I haven't - and I SO havent' missed it. I'm so happily married to my honey and it truly doesn't occur to me to look at men that way anymore. I may look at someone and think "That's a nice looking guy", just the same as I might look at a girl and think she's pretty, or a horse, or a flower or a child and appreciate their beauty, but that other element is completely gone.

I also don't look nearly as good myself anymore, I'm overweight, am crowding 40 and don't receive those looks from men like I once did. But I'm totally okay with that. I feel like my focus is much more directed on developing myself as a person, finding my talents, being a good mother and wife, and focusing on things that are more valuable to my Father in Heaven.

Yes, sometimes I wish I could still fit into a size 8 - okay, daily I wish I could still fit into a size 8, but now, when I exercise and try to eat right, it's about wanting to be healthy and happy and not about wanting to look good in the world's eyes.

And thank goodness my sexy husband still finds me beautiful. And it's a great thing to have confidence that he's not looking at anyone else either. I'd trade that for being 20 again - anyday!